Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
