I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
