when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
