Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
