I need help removing her.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
