finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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