I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
