I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
