so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
