hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
