It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I could fuck to npr.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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