Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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