Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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