My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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