Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
