I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
