dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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