So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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