were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
