the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
