Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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