haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
