If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
