He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Randomize
