I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
