I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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