I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
