When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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