the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on