Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
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Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password