Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.