i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
