I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
