Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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