Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
