I wish I could teleport
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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