just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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