All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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