There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
