I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
