I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
