I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
