i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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