how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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