u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
