I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is the high leading the old right now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
