shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
