well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
