Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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