Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
