Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
