I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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