the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
