Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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