i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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