this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
