I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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