So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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