I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize