My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Randomize
