I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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