everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
