Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
