allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
